Passion, Pain & Cruel Smirks
by RuKkA
Summary: Stressed and overworked, Tsunade is exhausted. Despite her exhaustion she can't seem to get a certain sannin off her mind. As  Jiraiya attempts to pull Tsunade out of her depression, the a man stuck on her brain pays her a visit.
1. Chapter 1

**Passion, Pain & Cruel Smirks**

Hey guys! This is a re-vamped version of my ooooold fic, A Passionate Hate. I hope you guys like the new version. R&R If you guys have and comment/ideas/constructive-criticisms feel free to leave them in your reviews. I'm hoping this will re-awaken my love for writing. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the older version.

PS. I do not own Naruto or any of its characters. :)

Chapter One

It was a rather cool fall night in Konohagakure, children were rushed inside to be tucked safely in bed by parents. Somewhere nearby, a very irritated _Godaime glared_ daggers at the massive stack of papers in front of her.

'Why the hell did I even agree to this.' she thought as she rolled her tired eyes.

Tsunade reached in the drawer of her desk for the bottle of sake she purchased the other day. 'What the hell? Where'd it go? Damn! Shizune must have found it. How though? I hid it so well! The annoyed hokage began sorting the papers as fast as she could.

Three hours later she walked out of her office. Tsunade shuddered at the fall breeze as she wrapped her green sweater tighter around her body, walking briskly toward the direction of her apartment. She passed the bridge where she and her team trained many years ago.

'Those were the good ol' days.'

She chuckled to herself as she imagined her younger self slugging Jiraiya for calling her flat-chested as Sarutobi-sensei shook his head. Orochimaru smirked at Jiraiya as Tsunade called him a "Snow topped annoying pervert".

The trip down memory lane came to a screeching halt as Tsunade's heart clenched as she thought of _his _face, then Sarutobi's corpse.  
>Clenching her fists with a fierce glare and her knuckles snow white, she scoffed disgustedly and shook her head. "That bastard can drop dead." she whispered to herself as she continued her walk home.<p>

She looked up to see that she already had arrived at her apartment door and fumbled through her shirt, pulling out her key and unlocking it. She walked through the door and bolted it. Memories of her past made the _Godaime _feel even more exhausted than before.

'I need some sake' she thought longing silently as she continued her shuffling towards her sake cabinet.

Stopping mid-shuffle in her perusal of her beloved sake, she remembered Shizune's stern-faced warning at the office. _"hokage-sama don't get drunk tonight you still have three other stacks of important papers to tend to by tomorrow afternoon. If you have a hangover you won't wake up."_

'Shizune-chan if only you knew. I won't drink too much.' she thought with a tired chuckle. 'Just enough to clear my head'.

Tsunade shuffled the rest of the way through to her rather large, onyx sake cabinet. 'Decisions, decisions.' She settled with a peach flavored bottle and plopped her tired body on the sofa.

The loud pop of the freshly opened bottle echoed through the dimly lit apartment. Tsunade poured herself a glass and quickly downed it. Glass after glass, gulp after gulp, still her head just wouldn't clear.

With a sad chuckle she opened yet another bottle, and another, and another. Despite her efforts she couldn't get Orochimaru's voice out of her head. She just couldn't shake all the memories and cruel smirks from her intoxicated brain.

With a vicious growl she threw the bottle against the wall, shattering it into thousands of tiny pieces. Sobs racked her body as she slid to the floor.

'Why can't I get you out of my fucking head?' She picked up the bottle of sake with a trembling hand, and took three big gulps as the sobs became muffled hiccups.

'Why me? Why does it hurt so much! Why couldn't it have been Jiraiya instead! Goddamnit. I killed these feelings so long ago! Orochimaru why?'

She continued to drown her anguish in alcohol. The large gulps burned her throat, just the way she liked it. Sake seemed to be the only thing she loved that didn't leave her or betray her.

Tsunade knew it wasn't healthy at all to drown her sorrows in the warm sake, but it seemed the only thing she can look to for comfort.

She went for another gulp and realized the bottle was empty. She threw it aside with all the other discarded bottles and stumbled to her feet to retrieve a new no time she was finished with the new bottle and stood up to get another.

Her vision began to swim as she felt herself falling to the floor with a crash. The ground and the apartment seemed to move.  
>She began to feel sick, everything around her seemed to swirl and blend together then, to the <em>Godaime's relief,<em> everything went black.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys! I was excited to see that I had a review and some people add my fic to their story alert list. I was afraid no one would be interested in the fic anymore. Thanks for your support! Maybe I can get more reviews.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

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><p>Chapter Two<p>

The sun shone on Tsunade's face as she groaned. She opened one eye only to regret it immediately. She quickly covered her head with the soft dark green pillow.

_Pillow?_

She quickly grabbed a kunai hidden under her mattress and slung it at the intruder sitting in her room

. "Oi, Tsunade is that anyway to treat your old comrade"? Jiriaya chuckled after barely missing the weapon's path.

"Ji-Jiraiya? Wait how'd you get inside my apartment…Why am I in my P.j's" ? She shrieked with an accusatory tone.

"DAMNED PERVERT!" she shrieked louder throwing the pillow from her lap in his direction as he failed to dodge the pillows.

"whoah whoah Tsunade.. I didn't dress you it was Shizune don't hurt me" !

As if on cue Shizune walked in the bedroom.

"Tsunade I thought I told you not to drink last night!" Shizune scolded. Ton Ton oinked in what seemed to be agreement.

Tsunade stared at the wall and sighed heavily.

"Well at least I didn't drink a lot, could you keep it down my head is killing me" she held her head in her hands.

Jiriaya spoke up. "You call ten good-sized bottles not a lot? Not a lot my ass, Shizune had to finish the papers for you and clean your living room".

"gomen-ne Shizune-chan, and thanks for cleaning up after me" Tsunade said.

"You're welcome Tsunade-sama".

Shizune smiled as she held the squealing Tonton in her arms.

"Tsunade-sama there isn't anything left to do at the office now,so you can rest for the remainder of the day" Shizune said as she walked out of the door.

Ever since she woke up Jiriaya had been staring at her with look of frown-marred concern.

'Shit… he's gonna question me isn't he…must avoid it somehow' she thought in a panic as she bore her bloodshot eyes away from his gaze.

"Tsunade…what's bothering you?" he finally asked the question that they both knew was coming.

"Nothing, just stressed is all" she said a little too defensively.

"You're lying to me". He said plainly. "You haven't drank this much since _he _left."

To her relief he chose not to mention the other incident similar to this when her lover and her beloved brother died.

" I'm stressed and that's all" she lied again with clenched fists.

. "Tsunade we both know you are lying, so do us both a favor and just fess uo" he said clearly seeing past her lies.

She tossed her blonde hair back and out of the Hazel eyes that were currently glaring at him.

'Damn I did it this time' he thought knowing what was to come.

"Goddamnit I told you...I'M STRESSED". She shouted.

Jiriya put his hands up as if shielding himself from his former-teammate's wrath.

"okay okay, I'll drop it for now" he said feeling a wave of exhaustion hit him hard. "When you're ready to talk you know I'm here for you."

"There's nothing for us to talk about, so can you leave so I can get dressed?" She said as she stared over his shoulder and at the wall.

"fine, but this is not over." He said temporarily defeated.

The white haired man stood up and left the room closing the door behind him.

'Finally, alone at last.' Tsunade thought to herself with a relieved sigh as she pulled her p.j top off.

After peeling off her pajamas she walked to her closet door in only her undergarments. She stared at herself in the mirror on the closet door. Her hands reached up to lightly brush a scar that went from her collarbone to her breast. She sighed and opened her closet and pulled out her usual outfit and sat on her large bed.

Meanwhile, a troubled Jiriaya paced in Tsunade's living room.

'She's lying and we both know it! Or is she? Damn why is she so secretive? She's been in there a while should I go in?'

Right when he gathered the courage to go knock, she walked out mumbled something like "I'm going on walk lock door when you leave".

He just stood there flabbergasted. "What the hell she just left". He stood there for a little while before he went off to peep at the local hot spring.

A few miles down the street Tsunade walked into an old abandoned park. She walked over to the rusty swings and sat.

Higher and higher she went… then down, down, down. This is how her life has been for years. After she finally feels whole again when she least expects it crashes and burns. She soon felt the tell-tale signs of tears burning in the back of her eyes.

'I refuse to cry! I refuse to cry!'

She was too busy sorting out her emotions to feel a presence come behind her.

TBC

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><p>Yes, I know the dreaded cliff-hanger. Thanks for reading guys! You're what keep me writing. R&amp;R<p> 


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